i’m tired of having the same conversation, so tired. i don’t know who i am or who i will be and i don’t know who i want to be. i just don’t know. i may no longer be a baby in your eyes but in the eyes of life and the wisdom it brings i am a baby. a baby unsure of which way to crawl and unsure if it’s strong enough to stand. a baby afraid of what it does not know and afraid to know the answers. i’m young, just shy of adulthood. and shy of what adulthood will bring. i know i must face it, and despite the fear part of me longs to face it. the unknown, the real world. the world outside the bubble i have lived in, but there is no map to this world. nothing to tell me which turn to take and which to avoid. it’s just me and the unknown and i don’t know if i’m ready to face it. i’m young, just a baby in so many aspects. so so young but not naive. decisions to be made and challenges to be faced. i guess i should just start with my name and what i think i am and what i think i want.
my name is eden denika bremner.
i’m a pisces and to be honest i think that is a big part of who i am. i’m sensitive and stubborn, but i’m passionate for the things i believe in. i don’t back down from a fight. i want to travel with the wind and experience a great love. every emotion that passes through my body is to the extreme. i feel every joy through my entire body and every pain through every molecule. i’m also a procrastinator, something i need to change. i’m fiery and will fight to protect those that i love. i love to write and paint and draw. i love kids and would love to help them in some way. i’m a little bit damaged, some of the scars i created while others i was given but i’m a fighter and scars fade. that is who i think i am.
what i think i want….. i want to be happy, to find something and someone i am so incredibly passionate about. that is what i want.
so stop asking me the same questions because i’m only just forming answers and they barely make sense to me. let me find an answer to my own questions before i start answering yours

god and lucifer. god and lucifer. god and lucifer. angels and demons. angels and demons. angels and demons. man and woman. man and woman. man and woman. for every thing there is a corresponding piece. an opposite to create a balance. there cannot be god without lucifer and there cannot be light without darkness. one creates the other. god created lucifer and in turn light creates the darkness but i wonder if either exist, god and lucifer that is. call it blasphemy but i question their existence. do angels guide the hand of the good and righteous? do demons guide the hand of the evil and sinister? or are we alone in the world? is it just us and ground we walk on? no hell beneath us and no heaven above us. big brother and his son no where in sight. is god just a placebo effect? do people believe so wholly in this entity they cannot see that inevitably what is really just a anomaly with a more than likely scientific explanation is construed as his holy powers?

I am a complete and total hopeless romantic. I place so much hope on the fairytales within life, but until today I’d thought it was a bad thing. Now I realise it’s just me looking for the magic in a world so full of darkness.

I’ve spent half my life blaming everyone else for my faults

“I’m the way I am because this is what other people have made me”
“My schooling suffered as a result of me being bullied and avoiding school to avoid the bullying”
“I’m defensive because I’m constantly under attack from others”
“I’m snide with dad because he’s insensitive and impatient with me”
“I have an attitude with mum because she’s constantly pushing my buttons and rearing for a fight”
“I’m mean because nice girls finish last”
“I get with various guys because my dad gave me issues”
“I drink because everyone else does”
It’s always their fault but never mine, but really it is my fault and I merely continue to delude myself with stories of how everyone else in my life has wronged me. I chose to be what I am; I could have risen above it all. My education suffered because I was lazy and didn’t strive to achieve the best I could. I’m defensive because I’m oversensitive and insecure. I’m snide with dad because I have an attitude problem and think I am above my father’s antics. I have an attitude with mum not because she is constantly pushing my buttons but because I have a temper that I allow to get the best of me, she doesn’t provoke. I’m mean because it’s better to be the bully than the bullied, I’ve been the bullied and it’s not fun. I get with various guys not because I want so desperately to connect with a male and to feel wanted and loved in an untainted way but because I’m a whore and a masochist. I don’t drink because my friends do, I drink because I want to because if I’m drunk and I can’t feel my fingers then I can’t feel my heart and the way it aches. I’ve made myself what I am.
Rude
Unkind
Defensive
Stupid
Lazy
Future alcoholic
Slut
Insecure
I made the monster, now I need to deal with it. The worst part is I know I won’t change, I’ll feign trying to change and maybe I actually will try but I – correction we know I won’t change at all. This is the awkward moment when the person behind the monster mask realises that it’s not a mask at all but rather the distorted face of reality.